Statistically, You’ll Marry The Wrong Person

Fortunately, the statistics also tell you how to avoid it.

Once, I met the person I had prayed to the universe for. We met exactly the way I imagined. I was rock climbing alone that day, and fatefully we were the only two people living on a remote farm. The night we first met, we talked all night. From then on, we were inseparable, adventuring, traveling, and facing the ups and downs of life together. I thought this was perfect love, but it was not.

Although everything seemed ideal, I felt lonely and lacked emotional security. This made me confused: Isn’t this exactly what I wanted? Later I realized that I only told the universe the relationship model I wanted, but ignored the feeling of desire. On the surface, we had similar interests, but we were incompatible in expressing emotions and handling conflicts. We eventually broke up.

Later, I met someone who was the opposite of my ideal - no common goals, no "heart sparks," and a completely different life trajectory. However, many years later, I felt happier than ever around him. Despite different starting points, we created a harmonious and beautiful life together. This made me start to reflect: How could I be so wrong? Even though I am not a novice in relationships, I have read many books and listened to many experiences, but the results are always the opposite of what I expected. And this phenomenon is not uncommon. Statistics show that 40% of marriages end in divorce, and another 18% end up separated. Even the happiness of continuing marriages is declining. So the question is: Why do we always lose our way in love? Why do we always make mistakes in love?

At work, we are used to assessing risk to predict success, but we rarely do this in relationships. And not only is marriage an important life decision, but research also shows that divorce significantly increases the risk of death. This is a life-or-death choice. To this end, I researched the common reasons why marriages fail and summarized them below:

1. We only focus on the "highlight moments" and ignore the "ordinary moments"

If you were to write your wedding vows in reality, they might be: "I promise to stay married to you even if you get fat, don't change your habits, and only have sex twice a year." Marriages rarely fail because of one big event; most fail because of a lack of long-term effort. The real key is to keep giving: staying intimately engaged with your partner when you're exhausted, being patient when your partner's anxiety is overwhelming, and being interested in their dreams when the chores are overwhelming. Every wedding vow should end with this sentence: "I promise that I will work hard on our relationship, no matter how hard it gets, even if I don't want to."

How to do it:

Marriage is "7 years of butterfly effect + 40 years of daily work." Choose someone you want to spend your ordinary life with, and learn from the experiences of long-term happy couples.

2. We misjudge future happiness

Research shows that newlyweds tend to overestimate future happiness, but four years later, satisfaction generally declines, especially for those who are most optimistic. We don’t know ourselves well enough to ignore potential problems and repetitive patterns. For example, a minor quirk at first may become unbearable over time.

What to do:

Before getting married, conduct a "future risk assessment" with your partner. Assume reasons why the relationship failed and address them in advance. If you can’t address them, you may not be suitable for marriage. By avoiding these common mistakes, we can enter relationships more rationally and prepared, laying a solid foundation for happiness.

3. We follow the wrong criteria for success

Marriage is often seen as a social achievement, even though it can lead to abuse, divorce, or broken homes. Society encourages us to make decisions based on feelings or external expectations, but data shows that choosing a partner too early or based solely on romance often leads to failed marriages. For example, 40% of divorces are related to money issues. Money conflicts are more difficult to resolve than other issues and often lead to unstable marriages. Do you understand how your partner spends or saves? Incompatible money concepts can be a big problem in marriages. Other reasons for divorce include communication, commitment, and conflict resolution skills. Understanding these factors can help avoid marriage pitfalls.

Suggestion:

Premarital counseling can help you and your partner have important conversations and improve the stability of your marriage. Studies have shown that premarital counseling can increase the chances of maintaining a marriage by 30%.

4. We choose partners in an unwise way

When you want to buy a car, if you only have information about the appearance, but lack key data such as safety and mileage, will you buy it? But when we choose a partner, the information we get is far from comprehensive. Dating apps, appearance or wealth matching cannot help us judge the key criteria for a successful marriage, such as commitment, care, and compatibility of money views. Happy couples usually have better emotional expression, playfulness and curiosity, which are difficult to find through simple screening.

Suggestion:

Don’t waste time on dating apps, make more friends. Studies show that marriages are more likely to be stable and happy when you get to know your partner through the "from friends to lovers" approach.

You have more control than you think

When I met the person in the first story, my life seemed perfect. I had a successful career, good health, and lots of friends. I thought I was ready and just needed to find someone like me. However, I overlooked that I was a terrible partner. I was too focused on my own needs and lacked the ability to listen and be vulnerable.

After the breakup, I began to learn to listen and express my emotions. My relationship patterns changed. I found that the independence and ambition I showed attracted similar people, and when I became more generous, communicated better, and was more patient, the partners I attracted changed. As James Lane Allen said, "We don’t attract what we want, but what we are." I have met partners in perfect circumstances and failed, and I have found my current partner in imperfect circumstances because we all have the ability to build a relationship, not just seek the perfect match.

The most important thing is to truly control yourself, not to find the perfect partner. If you don’t want to marry the wrong person, you should not only focus on "finding" the right person, but becoming the right person. "When you awaken, you will understand that the journey of love is not about finding the person, but becoming the person."

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